It is very odd writing this. But I guess it’s supposed to help me in some way so here it is.
I spent New Years with Derek. It was amazing. I mean we both fell asleep before midnight, woke up at 12:15am, kissed each other and then promptly fell back asleep. It was the most normal, no rules, no judgement kind of new years I’ve ever had.
I went back to my parents place Tuesday January 2nd, spent a few more days and then my mom and I drove back to where I currently live on the Friday. We stopped in to see Derek, he met us for lunch. Thinking back on it now, he held my hand across the table whilst talking to my mom about he and I living together. On the drive home she asked me, what about him makes my heart skip.
I hate talking to people about the feeling of being in love. Oddly enough I find it nauseating at best, and I’ve lived basically my whole life with emotional output boundaries. I’ve had a lot of people over the years say I am emotionally void. Which hurts, but I guess they aren’t wrong, or maybe they just don’t see me completely.
I am a strong person who follows a certain personal code, and I tend not to cry or get lovey dovey around people. Everything is within a good comfortable area for me. Which isn’t to say I don’t love outwardly, I am just not one of those people who cries over stuff, or holds someone’s hand, looks in their eyes and professes love. I do it in my own supporting quiet way. And I could promise you that all my family and friends know that’s how I do it. Whether they like it or not.
Anyway, Friday we had lunch with Derek, and then I was home that night. My mom left Saturday and everything was normal.
Tuesday January 9th –
I guess I am just going to go through this how it happened. Maybe it will help me process, though I highly doubt it.
Derek and I had been talking all day. He was saying how much he missed me and couldn’t wait for me to just move in with him so we wouldn’t have this distance. Online, a guy had flirted with me, and I literally felt my gut sink into a hole over it.
This guy said that I was gorgeous and he’d be damned to be able to take me on a date.
I said I had a boyfriend but appreciated the compliment.
He sent a smiley face with the comment back “Well let me know if that changes.”
I remember staring at his message with a scowl. My situation wasn’t going to change and this dude has some fucking balls to tell me otherwise. I texted Derek, he laughed and said “Babe, it’s fine. It’s kinda nice knowing that other guys or girls want to flirt with you, I don’t mind if you want to flirt back.”
Now, I don’t know why Derek saying that he was totally okay with me flirting with other people wasn’t a big red flag, but he also quipped it with a rather cute “All that matters is your mine at the end of the day right.”
And he was right. I was his. End of story.
So whatever, I didn’t respond back to the other guy, and I went on my merry way talking to my beloved perfect man.
Somewhere around 6pm, I got a Facebook notification.
Emma has sent you a message.
Remember Emma? The girl about a year ago Derek was with, whilst with me, but still with her….anyway. I frowned, and opened the message and a part of me wish I never had.
The message was prefaced with this:
“Hi, you don’t know me but I feel obligated to reach out to you. This is about Derek, and it’s not good so if you would rather not know just stop reading now.”
First off, who wouldn’t keep reading?
Secondly, my initial reaction was that I know your his ex and you are probably going to try and smack talk about him to me so he goes back to you…so no, try again.
Thirdly, my heart started racing becuase who sends that message without it having some really fucking bad shit inside it.
As I assume you can guess, I read it.
I’m also only half joking about that above ^^ – because there is a massive part of me that wishes I never read it and was still living happily in love without having to deal with the situation of today…but then I’d probably be in this situation 5 years from now and I can only imagine that would be….worse?
“I don’t know how long you and Derek have been together but I only found out this week he was with you, at which point he wouldn’t admit that you were his girlfriend. So I’m just going to tell you what I know from the last year since we’ve broken up.
He has been telling me that he is single and focusing on himself since he moved. Him and I broke up last year over after a 2 year relationship when I found out he was cheating on me with many different girls the entire time. Until he left for his new job this summer, he was trying to “change” and “make it work” with me.
He told me spent July 1st with his sister, but when we all hung out together I found out that was a lie. He then told me he spent it alone and lonely. We went to a wedding together at the end of July and fooled around. I know realize you two were together at that point. Since he has been gone we talk everyday. He calls me “babe”, and tells me he loves me.
Sometimes he sexts me and tells me what he wants to do to me. He ass for photos and sends them to me as well. In late September he kept asking me to come see him, he would pay for the flight out. He even offered to buy me new lingerie. Recently he said it would “kill him” if I dated our mutual friend. He told me yesterday he loves me.
Maybe none of this matters to you, maybe it does. I have been struggling with how to say this to you, or whether or not I should. I wish I knew far easier so I didn’t waste so much time on someone like that. You seem like a really nice person and if I can prevent him from ruining another persons life who definitely doesn’t deserve then I will.
You may be angry with me, I get that. I just want to do what I think is the right thing. If you have any questions, I’m open to helping and talking as much as I can.
I am so sorry.”
And that’s when I think I had my first ever real and true mental breakdown.
I re-read her message probably 4 times. And then I asked Derek who Emma was (knowing who she was but still).
He asked why?
I said, she sent me a message.
His response… “What does it say?”
So I sent him the message.
There was a moment for me, where I had honestly thought he was going to laugh it off and tell me she was being ridiculous and that everything was going to be okay. His text back.
“I am so sorry.”
I didn’t respond.
*Also can I just also say that, this same afternoon, he literally had texted me that “No matter what, I will always keep you safe. I promise babe.” *
Anyway- For nearly seven hours, my phone buzzed beside me, endless texts of him saying how sorry he is. And I know this may seem crass but it’s easier for me to type it out in bullet points what he was saying. Compartmentalize right?
- “I’m so sorry, please just call me”
- ” I have a problem. I couldn’t help myself after I broke up with my ex”
- “I’m willing to talk about anything, but if you never want to talk to me again I wouldn’t blame you”
- “I fucked this up so badly. You don’t deserve any of this. I’m sorry”
- “I’m sabotaging my own life and I don’t know why”
- “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and now it’s over. Now I’m alone again”
- “I really did want to make a life with you here”
- ” I don’t know how to fix it. I think part of me has always been completely terrified of real commitment, so I’ve always just kept people at arms length emotionally and justified it to myself. The most fucked up part is that I never felt that with you, but I was so deep into this that I didn’t know how to stop, and now it’s all gone. I know I won’t find someone like you again, and I’ll regret this forever”
- “I would give anything to try and fix this. Anything.”
- “I love you.”
The last one was at 4:32am.
I didn’t respond. Instead I cried. Harder than I ever have in my entire life. I had that point where I could’t breathe and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. It was a pain I can never really explain.
It was just pain.
I called a few friends, and just cried some more. Then I called my brother and sister…who probably were a bit freaked out at the fact I couldn’t barely say anything other than “He’s cheating on me.”
That was the only thing I remember saying over and over again.
He’s cheating on me.
I can remember sitting on my couch thinking how could someone be this fucking cruel to another person? How does someone do this? I thought he loved me? Who does this to someone they love? This isn’t actually happening, it can’t be. He’s cheating on me. But I was supposed to move there. We were moving in together. He can’t have another girlfriend…can he? It’s impossible.
The lies and manipulation are beyond anything I can still really comprehend. For two years, he has been sleeping with his ex girlfriend, still dating her in fact, and later on I found out he’d been with 3 other women as well. There I was, just what, five hours prior thinking my life was fucking awesome.
I didn’t sleep the entire night. Actually I just started sleeping more than 4 hours about three days ago. I didn’t sleep for the first probably four days. And have just recently started sleeping more than 4 hours consecutively on Monday that just passed.
My amazing boyfriend was a fucking cheater. And fifteen days later, I still don’t understand it.
I sat on my couch, staring at my fireplace the entire night. I don’t think I moved even once. Not even when my dog finally jumped up and fell asleep beside me.
I just cried.