#3 – January 9th 2018

It is very odd writing this. But I guess it’s supposed to help me in some way so here it is.

I spent New Years with Derek. It was amazing. I mean we both fell asleep before midnight, woke up at 12:15am, kissed each other and then promptly fell back asleep. It was the most normal, no rules, no judgement kind of new years I’ve ever had.

I went back to my parents place Tuesday January 2nd, spent a few more days and then my mom and I drove back to where I currently live on the Friday. We stopped in to see Derek, he met us for lunch. Thinking back on it now, he held my hand across the table whilst talking to my mom about he and I living together. On the drive home she asked me, what about him makes my heart skip.

I hate talking to people about the feeling of being in love. Oddly enough I find it nauseating at best, and I’ve lived basically my whole life with emotional output boundaries. I’ve had a lot of people over the years say I am emotionally void. Which hurts, but I guess they aren’t wrong, or maybe they just don’t see me completely.

I am a strong person who follows a certain personal code, and I tend not to cry or get lovey dovey around people. Everything is within a good comfortable area for me. Which isn’t to say I don’t love outwardly, I am just not one of those people who cries over stuff, or holds someone’s hand, looks in their eyes and professes love. I do it in my own supporting quiet way. And I could promise you that all my family and friends know that’s how I do it. Whether they like it or not.

Anyway, Friday we had lunch with Derek, and then I was home that night. My mom left Saturday and everything was normal.

 

Tuesday January 9th – 

I guess I am just going to go through this how it happened. Maybe it will help me process, though I highly doubt it.

Derek and I had been talking all day. He was saying how much he missed me and couldn’t wait for me to just move in with him so we wouldn’t have this distance. Online, a guy had flirted with me, and I literally felt my gut sink into a hole over it.

This guy said that I was gorgeous and he’d be damned to be able to take me on a date.

I said I had a boyfriend but appreciated the compliment.

He sent a smiley face with the comment back “Well let me know if that changes.”

I remember staring at his message with a scowl. My situation wasn’t going to change and this dude has some fucking balls to tell me otherwise. I texted Derek, he laughed and said “Babe, it’s fine. It’s kinda nice knowing that other guys or girls want to flirt with you, I don’t mind if you want to flirt back.” 

red flag

Now, I don’t know why Derek saying that he was totally okay with me flirting with other people wasn’t a big red flag, but he also quipped it with a rather cute “All that matters is your mine at the end of the day right.” 

And he was right. I was his. End of story.

So whatever, I didn’t respond back to the other guy, and I went on my merry way talking to my beloved perfect man.

Somewhere around 6pm, I got a Facebook notification.

Emma has sent you a message. 

Remember Emma? The girl about a year ago Derek was with, whilst with me, but still with her….anyway. I frowned, and opened the message and a part of me wish I never had.

The message was prefaced with this:

“Hi, you don’t know me but I feel obligated to reach out to you. This is about Derek, and it’s not good so if you would rather not know just stop reading now.” 

First off, who wouldn’t keep reading?

Secondly, my initial reaction was that I know your his ex and you are probably going to try and smack talk about him to me so he goes back to you…so no, try again.

Thirdly, my heart started racing becuase who sends that message without it having some really fucking bad shit inside it.

As I assume you can guess, I read it.

turn back time

I’m also only half joking about that above ^^ – because there is a massive part of me that wishes I never read it and was still living happily in love without having to deal with the situation of today…but then I’d probably be in this situation 5 years from now and I can only imagine that would be….worse?

Emma’s Message:

“I don’t know how long you and Derek have been together but I only found out this week he was with you, at which point he wouldn’t admit that you were his girlfriend. So I’m just going to tell you what I know from the last year since we’ve broken up.

He has been telling me that he is single and focusing on himself since he moved. Him and I broke up last year over after a 2 year relationship when I found out he was cheating on me with many different girls the entire time. Until he left for his new job this summer, he was trying to “change” and “make it work” with me. 

He told me spent July 1st with his sister, but when we all hung out together I found out that was a lie. He then told me he spent it alone and lonely. We went to a wedding together at the end of July and fooled around. I know realize you two were together at that point. Since he has been gone we talk everyday. He calls me “babe”, and tells me he loves me.

Sometimes he sexts me and tells me what he wants to do to me. He ass for photos and sends them to me as well. In late September he kept asking me to come see him, he would pay for the flight out. He even offered to buy me new lingerie. Recently he said it would “kill him” if I dated our mutual friend. He told me yesterday he loves me. 

Maybe none of this matters to you, maybe it does. I have been struggling with how to say this to you, or whether or not I should. I wish I knew far easier so I didn’t waste so much time on someone like that. You seem like a really nice person and if I can prevent him from ruining another persons life who definitely doesn’t deserve then I will. 

You may be angry with me, I get that. I just want to do what I think is the right thing. If you have any questions, I’m open to helping and talking as much as I can. 

I am so sorry.”

And that’s when I think I had my first ever real and true mental breakdown.

4

 

I re-read her message probably 4 times. And then I asked Derek who Emma was (knowing who she was but still).

He asked why?

I said, she sent me a message.

His response… “What does it say?”

So I sent him the message.

…….

There was a moment for me, where I had honestly thought he was going to laugh it off and tell me she was being ridiculous and that everything was going to be okay. His text back.

“I am so sorry.”

…….

ripped heart

 

…….

I didn’t respond.

*Also can I just also say that, this same afternoon, he literally had texted me that “No matter what, I will always keep you safe. I promise babe.” *

Anyway- For nearly seven hours, my phone buzzed beside me, endless texts of him saying how sorry he is. And I know this may seem crass but it’s easier for me to type it out in bullet points what he was saying. Compartmentalize right?

  • “I’m so sorry, please just call me”
  • ” I have a problem. I couldn’t help myself after I broke up with my ex”
  • “I’m willing to talk about anything, but if you never want to talk to me again I wouldn’t blame you”
  • “I fucked this up so badly. You don’t deserve any of this. I’m sorry”
  • “I’m sabotaging my own life and I don’t know why”
  • “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and now it’s over. Now I’m alone again”
  • “I really did want to make a life with you here”
  • ” I don’t know how to fix it. I think part of me has always been completely terrified of real commitment, so I’ve always just kept people at arms length emotionally and justified it to myself. The most fucked up part is that I never felt that with you, but I was so deep into this that I didn’t know how to stop, and now it’s all gone. I know I won’t find someone like you again, and I’ll regret this forever”
  • “I would give anything to try and fix this. Anything.”
  • “I love you.”

The last one was at 4:32am.

I didn’t respond. Instead I cried. Harder than I ever have in my entire life. I had that point where I could’t breathe and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. It was a pain I can never really explain.

It was just pain.

I called a few friends, and just cried some more. Then I called my brother and sister…who probably were a bit freaked out at the fact I couldn’t barely say anything other than “He’s cheating on me.” 

That was the only thing I remember saying over and over again.

He’s cheating on me.

I can remember sitting on my couch thinking how could someone be this fucking cruel to another person? How does someone do this? I thought he loved me? Who does this to someone they love? This isn’t actually happening, it can’t be. He’s cheating on me. But I was supposed to move there. We were moving in together. He can’t have another girlfriend…can he? It’s impossible.

The lies and manipulation are beyond anything I can still really comprehend. For two years, he has been sleeping with his ex girlfriend, still dating her in fact, and later on I found out he’d been with 3 other women as well. There I was, just what, five hours prior thinking my life was fucking awesome.

I didn’t sleep the entire night. Actually I just started sleeping more than 4 hours about three days ago. I didn’t sleep for the first probably four days. And have just recently started sleeping more than 4 hours consecutively on Monday that just passed.

My amazing boyfriend was a fucking cheater. And fifteen days later, I still don’t understand it.

I sat on my couch, staring at my fireplace the entire night. I don’t think I moved even once. Not even when my dog finally jumped up and fell asleep beside me.

I just cried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2 – Being in love, and out of love, and then back in love…

Dating Derek,

2015 – So the days that came after he asked for my number were good. We talked pretty much everyday, played 21 questions to get to know one another, he doesn’t have a favorite color…or well a favourite anything which is … odd to me but to each their own.

Anyway, we were talking and then Christmas came and I went home…and we kept texting. I got a “Good Morning” and a “Good Night” every day. It was fun. He seemed really fun. Different than what I was used to with a guy, but in a good way. He lived in the same building as my friend who acquainted us, and lived only 5 blocks away from me.

When I got back, he asked if we could hang out properly. Again, I tried to be cool but I was fucking giddy over getting to see him. He came to my place, with a bottle of gin, and we played cards till 2 am. It was probably the best first date I’d ever had.

He left in the morning, and texted me about an hour later when he got home, “I can’t wait to see you again.” Boom. He had me. Hook line and sinker. And I am not that type that falls in love that quickly.  I’d gone through being cheated on before and was pretty walled up around my heart, but somehow he either climbed the walls, or dug underneath them.

Needless to say we saw each other again, and again, until it became nearly an everyday thing that we would hang out. He said he wanted to keep it casual, he had just gotten out of a ten year relationship, and I didn’t want to come across over eager and agreed. Casual can be a good thing. Have time to really learn about the person.

relationship

So we did. Learn. A lot of things about one another and it was fucking amazing. All of it was amazing. I had these moments where I honest to God couldn’t believe that I was dating a guy like him. I know people aren’t perfect, but I was pretty sure he was as close as it comes.

For 5 months we were like that. Talking everyday. Going on dates though they usually were just at my place. We were both in school so life was busy and rather budget restricted but I didn’t care. Playing nintendo and cards was good enough for me. Oh and having a lot of sex. Can’t forget about that.

I was happy. He seemed really happy.

 

May 2016 – 

We had gone to a bar to play pool and I met one of his friends. Let’s call him Mark. Now when I met Mark, he kind of looked at my funny for a half second and then looked at Derek. It made me feel weird, but I kind of let it go as, I’m meeting a friend for the first time and maybe he hasn’t met a lot of Derek’s girlfriends.

Anyway, we played pool, went back to my place. The next day I was heading down to a concert with my girlfriend, and she was a bit off, which was odd because usually between the two of us we never shut up, especially heading to a Beyonce concert. Her backup vocals just were a bit lackluster.

I finally asked her what was going on. Four beers in.

“Just say whatever is clearly on your mind before this concert starts.”

“Mark told me that he was surprised to meet you.”

“Okay? Why?”

**awkward pause**

“Well….he said that Derek has another girlfriend, Emma.”

 

wait what

 

Derek had a girlfriend…and it wasn’t me.

Remember how I said I was four beers deep? Well, when I drink, I get word vomit. More specifically I went completely ape-shit on Derek’s ass via text. I’m not going to go into details, but basically we had a massive fight. I told him if he had a girlfriend this entire time, that in all essence made me the whore he was cheating on her with. He apologized profusely. His defence was that we were just seeing each other casually so he didn’t think it was an issue…a girlfriend he’d been with for over a year wasn’t an issue…right.

Anyway. We fought. I told him to go fuck himself in many more words than just that and I went on to my Beyonce concert with a fifth beer in tow. Bastard wasn’t going to ruin my night.

Three days later, I cracked and finally answered his never ending texts about how sorry he was, how it was over with her, that it would never happen again, I was who he wanted. I said no. Patted myself on the back, healed up my wounded little heart and went on my merry way…for about two weeks.

Looking back I wish I had been stronger and not let myself get wrapped back up into him. But I am human. He asked what it would take to get us to try again. I said that it had to be only me, bottom line.

He agreed. We started seeing each other again, with a bit of hesitation on my part but it was hard to let him go when I had nearly 6 months of really great memories and that feeling of falling in love already attached into me. We started slow. Really slow. And it worked.

We were together, just us. He went to Thailand after graduating (I’ll come back to this.) I missed him. He came home and got into residency and had to leave to another city for two months. I was devastated, but played the good supporting girlfriend and off hehappywent. Two months is a long time, at least in my books to not physically touch the person you’re dating. I’d gone from nearly everyday seeing him, to nothing but texts and skyping. But we “survived” the distance and he came home.

Sadly, his lease was up and he moved a good 25 minutes away. But again, we made it work. He said he would be at rotations till 7:30 every night, so I went over around 8. Out of 5 days in a week, I was sleeping there at least 4. Weekends were busy for both of us so we just made do with the week nights. From January 2017 – June 2017 that’s how our life was, and I was really fucking happy. I mean I wished I could see him more, but I was taking was I could and it was good.

 

 

And then he got a job in another city. 5 hours away.

well fuck

 

I’m a good girlfriend, but there is only so much I can deal with. And long distance, I wasn’t sure was one of them. But I loved him, hadn’t told him face to face yet, but I did. It was his “dream job” and I knew it. He was excited…and so I was happy for him. Devastated for me, but I can’t be selfish and tell him he isn’t allowed to go. I’m not that person. So I started helping him look for houses…in another city.

It was hell trying to find a place and he was stressed beyond belief. His job started in two months and renting was tight. Oddly enough, it was a city I had lived in before and had friends who still did. So there I went, with my knight in shining armor gear on and asked everyone I knew if they had a bedroom or new of a place.

Two days before his job started, we finally found him something. It wasn’t great, but it was a bedroom in a carriage house that had a roommate who wasn’t going to be there for two months and in that space of time we would find him something else.

I remember crying when he told me he was moving. And then I cried harder the day I went to pack up his house. Not that I let him see my pain, I didn’t want him to feel guilty. Like a good little soldier, I put on my “movers hat”, boxes in tow, and helped him pack his entire apartment.

The day he left, he hugged me, really really tight, kissed my forehead and told me he loved me.

Boom. He loved me. And he was leaving.

That was probably the worst thing to go through. Hearing him say it, and then getting in his car and driving away.

broken heart

*cue really sad music*

…..

Now he and I have been together at this point for over a year. We made a pact that long distance wasn’t going to end us. Once a month I’d drive to see him, and once a month he was going to come see me. Two weekends a month and we were going to make it work. I was determined.

He called me everyday after work. We texted throughout the day. Skyped when we had the time. We were making it work.

He came up July 1st – we watched the fireworks by the ocean, it was all very romantic when he kissed me. He hates fireworks, but there he was, fighting the massive crowd, holding my hand and tugging me through to find the “perfect” spot. What a guy, my guy.

I loved him.

Later in July he had a wedding to go to, and he said it was a “bro’s” thing so he didn’t need a date. That was fine with me. Have some bro time. No problem. Mostly it wasn’t an issue because the week after he was coming with me to my family’s cabin…to meet my family and friends from home for the very first time.

They loved him.

I mean, sometimes it seemed almost impossible that there wasn’t a single person in my world that didn’t even have a shred of doubt or concern about him. He made me happy, they could all see it. The girl who never believed in actually being in love, was well … in love.

I remember my parents calling me after to tell me that they really really liked Derek. What a good guy he was. Had a great head on his shoulders. Smart, driven, funny, a real stand up guy they were happy I had found.

….

Distance be damned, we were going to make it.

I met his friends in the new city. We made good on our pact and twice a month we saw each other. He came home with me for Thanksgiving. I met his sister. Everyday I think I loved him that much more. We tried things I never had before. I felt safe enough to go through those things, to try and explore and be “adventurous” with him, for him.

He asked. I did it. Some of it was A+ … some was a C- … and some I’d never try again.  But hey, you’ll never know what you’ll like if you don’t try right?

sexual innuendo

Now, I am not going to say it was all rainbow’s and happy skittles. But in all honesty we never ever once fought. Sure we disagreed on things. But it was never something that lasted more than an hour of disputing. He had his views, I had mine, we appreciated each others opinions and it was good.

And then he asked me to move in with him. To leave my place, job, blah blah blah where I was and be with him.

Well, I was in love, so of course I was going to move.

if i only knew

I spent New Years with him, ready to ring in 2018 together. It was going to be the best year. I was moving in with the love of my life, and it was going to be fucking amazing.

And then Tuesday January 9th happened…

 

 

#1 – 2018 was supposed to be a great year…

Starting from where I am right now and a part of the beginning…

 

Tuesday’s suck in my books now. Specifically Tuesday January 9th 2018.

You start off the new year with all these “resolutions” though I don’t really make any, aside from trying to work out more, or eat better, take my dog on a hike every week…but that didn’t mean that 2018 wasn’t filled with plans for me.

Specifically, moving to a new city to be with the guy I was (or am? I don’t know yet)… dating. We were planning on buying a house, with a yard for my dog. I’d been looking into job stuff, he started talking about settling down together, the future and all that ooey-gooey stuff.

It was exciting. Terrifying, but I was so ready to do it.

…..

It has been two-ish years of he and I. Good years. We met through a mutual friend, he is a singer in a band, I can barely play the guitar, but I sing even if I shouldn’t. He is not really my type, or my usual type. I tend to go for the tall, dark, handsome, athletic type…he is tall and handsome, so 2 out of 4 wasn’t bad.

He is god damn gorgeous in my eyes,  light brown hair, scruff on a cut sexy jaw, has that kind of smile that makes you flush hotter than the sun, an unreal pair of bright blue green eyes, and a ridiculous nose ring. He is a nerd to the enth degree. Charming and adorable but a total nerd. His job is nerdy, a pharmacist is totally for geeks, but it’s apparently quite sexy to me… like when he talks about new drugs trials or scoffs at the TV commercial about how this medication or that one doesn’t actually work. I get all melty inside over his brains.

I work in medicine, I am a nerd too don’t get me wrong. But that was the thing. I was always the nerd in a relationship, and then he came along and boom…roles reversed.

The point is, he isn’t the guy I ever thought I’d end up with, but there I was, head over heels in love and planning a future with a guy who could give two shit’s about sports, and would rather hit up Burning Man. The complete opposite of me.

opposites attract

…..

(November 2015…)

My girlfriend dragged me out to his show he’d given her tickets for, my only rule was I wasn’t staying if they sang Taylor Swift (no offence to anyone), and sure as shit, the first song they are singing as we walk into the bar…”Style. – TS”.

Needless to say I rolled my eyes and headed straight to the bar.

A few drinks later, and I found myself at the front of the crowd staring up at this guy, aboslutely floored at how attracted I was to him. A singer. I’ve never dated someone whomeeting him wasn’t an athlete…and there this guy was, average build, shaking his hips, singing Stacy’s Mom, playing a tambourine – I was a goner.

And then he’d send me a smile or two during his songs. Enamoured doesn’t even begin to explain what was going on with me.

We got introduced after his show and the next morning I had a text from my girlfriend asking if she could pass my number along to him. It was the quickest, most completely not cool, or chill, or remotely unphased by a hot guy wanting my number, “YES!” that I have ever squealed out.

About twenty minutes later, my phone buzzed.

“Hey, it’s Derek, how was the rest of your night?”

**(His name isn’t Derek but we will pretend for the purpose of this blog)**

i thinki just fell in love

That’s how it started.

…..

Two-ish years later…on January 9th 2018…I found out he has another girlfriend of 3 years.

He has been cheating on both of us, not only with each other, but has slept with 4 others girls…including a self proclaimed dominatrix (no judgements here), who posted a photo of them screwing on Twitter.

And before you think “No way, it’s not him”... It’s the same tattoo on his wrist around her naked midsection, and he admitted it after being confronted by his other girlfriend.

WTF

And now I am here – trying to figure out what the hell happened.

This blog is supposed to be some sort of catharsis for me. I don’t know if it will be, but I just found out the guy I was moving my entire life for, has another girlfriend…so I am willing to try anything to get out of this depression that has consumed my life for the past two weeks.

I don’t know if any of it will make sense to anyone, to myself included. All I know is that two weeks ago I was really fucking happy, and now…well I’m in that space between crying over everything and being really really really angry.

…..

I read this quote a few days ago:

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.”

Well, if that isn’t the truth right now.

 

The crazy thing… I still love him.

ilu you shit

 

Ready for the whole fucked up story?